*This will be my last of three posts about stillbirth before I reveal Jay’s birthday surprise.*

When a baby is born, healthy and alive, the first day or so is spent recovering and resting in the hospital. I always loved the quiet time I had in my hospital room with my newborns. I would lay them on my lap and study every inch of their brand new body. I’d look at each finger and toe, study their little noses and ears, caress their gosling hair. Visitors would come to see the new baby, bringing flowers or a gift. The kids would run in to meet their new sibling and we would smile as they awkwardly tried to hold the baby. The nights would be interrupted by visits from the nurse to check on me and baby, but generally I would be able to rest. We would eat a bunch of cafeteria food and always order extra dessert. After a couple of days, I would be discharged from the hospital and go home to continue recovering and bonding with our newest addition.

That is with a living, healthy baby.

When your baby is stillborn, there is no time for leisurely visits. Hardly any time for those quiet moments with baby. Time is punctuated with phone calls to family members. Giving the bad news over and over. Questions must be answered. “Do you want an autopsy?” I don’t know, I just delivered my baby. “If you want an autopsy then we’ll need to take him away to keep cool in the morgue.” No, I want all the time I can have with him. “Which funeral home would you like to use?” I don’t even know which funeral homes are in our area.

All the while, the clock is ticking and I cling to every second with my baby. I know, and the sweet nurses know – he doesn’t have much time with us. They gently take him from me to get his footprints, handprints, locks of hair. I’m so grateful for the tender care they show him, but I want to hold him again. More phone calls for Jeff to make. Arranging for the funeral home to come pick Jay up. Making appointments to meet with the funeral directors to pick a coffin, plan a funeral, choose a grave plot. More questions and forms to fill out. We just want time with our boy.

So many decisions to make, but not enough time. Not enough.

Not many people have seen this picture of my sweet baby Jay. I’ve kept most of his pictures to myself, jealously guarding his memory and protecting those precious few moments we had with him. He looks perfect, doesn’t he? Chubby cheeked and button nosed. It’s as if he’s just sleeping.

But I need to tell you about what you don’t see. You don’t see the wilting flower. When a baby is stillborn, their body deteriorates very quickly. Without any kind of cooling device to preserve them, they quickly wilt like a delicate flower. Their skin begins to peel. Their coloring changes. They begin to bleed out of their nose, eyes, ears. It’s so upsetting as a parent to see this happen to your perfect little baby.

I’m extremely grateful that my sister-in-law was able to arrive so soon after Jay was born to take so many wonderful photos of him. They are all we have of him now besides the memory of him we keep in our hearts.

We didn’t have a lot of time with our boy. I delivered him at 2:34 am and we left the hospital at around 8:30 am. I wish so badly that we could have had more time with him. I wish my other children could have visited him in the hospital and held him. I wish we could have bathed him. But the gift of time wasn’t something available to us. Our flower was wilting, and quickly. So after 6 hours spent kissing him and snuggling him and singing to him, we swaddled our boy and set him gently in the bassinet. We faced him toward the window where the sun was rising over a valley of evergreens. Someone would be by later to transport him to the funeral home. Leaving him there in that room and fixing my eyes on his bassinet as they wheeled me away is something seared into my soul. Do you know what it’s like to leave the hospital without your baby? Words can’t describe the heartache. I sobbed and sobbed as they wheeled me away, longing for the delicate flower that was impossible to keep any longer. 🌹

~STILLBIRTH FACTS~

1 in 160. That’s how many pregnancies end in stillbirth.

Almost 50% of stillbirths occur at or near full term and often seem to be otherwise healthy babies.

Nearly 2/3 of all stillbirth deaths remain unexplained.

The stillbirth rate in the United States has not changed in the last 50 years.

More babies are stillborn than die from prematurity and SIDS *combined*.

The US ranks 48th out of 49 developed nations in the world for annual rate of reductions of stillbirth.

“Stillbirth is the most understudied issue in medicine today.” (Lancet, 2011)

“Perhaps the greatest obstacle to addressing stillbirths is stigma.” (Horton, 2016).

#breakthesilence #stillbornbutSTILLborn