Decisions

*This will be my last of three posts about stillbirth before I reveal Jay’s birthday surprise.*

When a baby is born, healthy and alive, the first day or so is spent recovering and resting in the hospital. I always loved the quiet time I had in my hospital room with my newborns. I would lay them on my lap and study every inch of their brand new body. I’d look at each finger and toe, study their little noses and ears, caress their gosling hair. Visitors would come to see the new baby, bringing flowers or a gift. The kids would run in to meet their new sibling and we would smile as they awkwardly tried to hold the baby. The nights would be interrupted by visits from the nurse to check on me and baby, but generally I would be able to rest. We would eat a bunch of cafeteria food and always order extra dessert. After a couple of days, I would be discharged from the hospital and go home to continue recovering and bonding with our newest addition.

That is with a living, healthy baby.

When your baby is stillborn, there is no time for leisurely visits. Hardly any time for those quiet moments with baby. Time is punctuated with phone calls to family members. Giving the bad news over and over. Questions must be answered. “Do you want an autopsy?” I don’t know, I just delivered my baby. “If you want an autopsy then we’ll need to take him away to keep cool in the morgue.” No, I want all the time I can have with him. “Which funeral home would you like to use?” I don’t even know which funeral homes are in our area.

All the while, the clock is ticking and I cling to every second with my baby. I know, and the sweet nurses know – he doesn’t have much time with us. They gently take him from me to get his footprints, handprints, locks of hair. I’m so grateful for the tender care they show him, but I want to hold him again. More phone calls for Jeff to make. Arranging for the funeral home to come pick Jay up. Making appointments to meet with the funeral directors to pick a coffin, plan a funeral, choose a grave plot. More questions and forms to fill out. We just want time with our boy.

So many decisions to make, but not enough time. Not enough.